Let me give you a scenario, okay? Please do your best to picture this in your mind. Ready?

So imagine you’re in the kitchen cooking up dinner. Your husband comes home from work holding a briefcase and you kiss him once on each cheek. “It’s crunch time,” he says, solemnly. “Boss isn’t giving us a break anytime soon.” You offer him some words of encouragement. The oven dings-- the meatloaf is done (your dear grandma’s recipe, passed down generations.) It looks dee-lightful! You call everyone to the table to sit down and enjoy this wonderful meal together. Have some good family time. The works. You notice that your child isn’t downstairs yet, so you go to check on them in their room.

You knock twice on the door then peer inside. Your child is slumped over the desk in an angle only achievable by breaking your spine thrice over. Their computer screen is the only thing that provides light, a torch in the otherwise damp, smelly, dark cavern. You spot a spent liter bottle of mountain dew on the floor, crumpled wrappers and stained clothes creating a minefield of involuntary celibacy.

“It’s time for dinner,” You say, tentatively. “The meatloaf is ready, dear.”

“Can’t, mom.” They say faintly, clearly occupied with something else. From the door, you hear the tinny sound of music blasting through their shitty speakers. What the fuck is that? Lawnmower funniest moments compilation #23469?

“Well, what’s so important that you’re giving up family time?” You say with an undercurrent of annoyance.

“I’m listening to Machine Girl,” They say.

Fuck. Fuck. This can’t be happening. You fiddle with the ties of your apron nervously. “That’s not quite music, dear.”

“Yes it is,” They encounter with vigor, but really, they’re really kind of unbothered about it. They’re winning the IDGAF wars. They’re only mad in a post-post-post-post ironic way. “You wouldn’t understand. It’s like, webcore, y’know? Like breakcore and weirdcore and old web?”

You’re shaking now, tears brimming at your eyes. When did this happen? How could you let this happen? The signs should’ve been apparent. You should’ve been more careful about this. Ever since they got into that Death Grips shit things haven’t been the same. It was Aphex twin after that. And then 100gecs. Gen-Z’ers are crazy about that kind of stuff.

“Please don’t leave me,” You cry out, desperately. “I love you.”

“Too late. I’m going into the wired.” You hear them say, but their voice is garbled, abstracted by noise, compressed into an incoherent soundbyte. “I’m getting lainpilled.”

And in a remarkable flash of blue light, the wires extend themself from the monitor, reaching like tendrils, embracing your child. Digital angels hum 8-bit rhapsodies. This isn’t how it was supposed to be. It was only 14 years ago when you were holding them like that, warm in your arms, a toddler who didn’t know any better. Your sweet child. You wish you would’ve shielded them from all there is in this world.

“No…” You scream. “No!”

It’s over in an instant. What’s left is a sweat-stained gamer chair and a cat ear headset. You reach out, speechless, but they’re gone now. You’re never going to see your child again. They’ve become one with the interwebs. That noise music is still playing through their speakers, the last song you’d ever heard when your child was still here poking at your eardrums like Ear Cleaning ASMR.

And it still sounds like shit.

That being said...

Machine Girl has been my favorite band for a while. Ever since their music first entered my mind palace, I’ve been a changed man. Tried and true MachineGirlCel over here. Real MachineGirlHead.

Much of their music is high-energy, very auditorily crowded with scream vocals and punchy drums. One thing about Machine Girl is that even as their melodies can seem scatterbrained and change quickly, the rhythm thrums through. It’s merciless and you just have to hold onto the side of the car for dear life as your legs get reduced to shit on the asphalt in a bloody trail at 120MPH. It’s neck-breaking, spine-breaking, getting your ass eaten in the fourth dimension-ing, but that’s the beauty of it all!

I'll present to you a few of my favorite albums from their discography.

U-Void Synthesizer

U-Void Synthesizer has to be my favorite album of all time by Machine Girl-- I’d dare to say that it’s basically my favorite album of all time. Something about it is more grimy and gore-splattered than the other albums. If I had to summarize its sound through words, I’d say it sounds a lot like if you took a low-poly FPS game level where you’re in hell and fighting cerberus with a laser gun, put it in a blender, photographed the grody remains, and transposed that photo into sound form.

Here are my favorite songs off of the album...

…Because I’m Young Arrogant and Hate Everything You Stand For

This used to be my favorite album before U-Void Synthesizer seized first place. Imagine being 15 and listening to this for the first time. This album made me infinitely more annoying. It’s still wormed its way into my cranium though and permanently altered my chemistry by eating a maze in the shape of a kawaii rabid bloodthirsty catgirl into my decision-making lobe, so…

Here are my favorite songs off of the album...

The Ugly Art

The Ugly Art has some really good loops. When I listen to it, I get the feeling that I’m lying in bed with a mean fever and sweating like hell and basically just fucking rotting away (but in a good way.) Like I’ve got some sort of dog-borne disease. It’s grating in an incredibly infectious way. The tones in this album are dark and punchy, really polarizing, and almost kind of hollow-sounding. As if they were playing all of this shit through a long metal tube and into the microphone.

Here are my favorite songs off of the album...


Other notable favorites of mine include:


Well, that just about sums it up. I guess it’s just a beautiful whirlwind of nostalgia, late 90’s influence, and loud noise that make Machine Girl as interesting as it is to me. It's versatile stuff-- I find myself coming back to listen to it all the time. If I were to give you a few suggestions, I’d say it’s music to do linear algebra to (vectors become easier, ) it’s music to crash your car to, it’s music to sexually sacrifice yourself to your cannibalistic lover to, it’s also music to eat a nice treat to. Don’t sleep on the delicious treats, everyone. And don’t sleep on Machine Girl.